Amazon Drone Service To Offer Mounted Rental Guns

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Gun rights advocates across the country are hoping scenarios in which community organizers have to scramble to get critical supplies after mass shootings will soon become a distant memory, thanks to Amazon’s latest delivery concept.

The worldwide leader in e-commerce has struck deals with companies from several industries to provide comprehensive wraparound services to communities affected by active shooters. Named Amazon Main Street, the new service is expected to launch in time for the always lucrative holiday season.

Amazon Main Street, or MS, brings together all aspects of a mass shooting, from start to finish.

Starting with a partnership announced Monday involving Smith and Wesson, Amazon hopes to begin installing mobile AR-15 platforms on delivery drones by the end of November. These mobile platforms will be available to rent by users who can control the drones from the comfort of their own living room or using their cellphones. Each drone will carry up to 1000 rounds of ammunition, which will also be available for purchase through the Amazon website.

Yankee Candle has also struck a deal with Amazon to be the official candlelight vigil supplier after mass shootings conducted using the Amazon MS drone service. The candlemaker announced the deal late Monday evening after learning the drones would be able to support the increased weight of their new Mass Shooting Emergency Grief Packages along with the weight of the ammunition.

The candlelight vigil supplier scene has seen a dramatic spike this year, a phenomenon being called the Trump Bump Stock Bump.

“We don’t want to count the bodies before they cool,” Yankee Candle spokesperson Amber Dreyfuss told our reporter. “But, this year has been the best year for mass shootings since we started keeping records. We know a lot of economists and market watchers have been talking about record stock prices. Well, we’re definitely seeing a double-barrel Trump Bump Stock Bump here at Yankee."

According to Amazon's spokesrobot, the vigil supply packs will be a perfect test shot for the drone service. “We’re looking forward to working with Yankee Candle to find ways to deliver candles as quickly as possible to as many parts of the country as possible,” commented Mark Cuban 2.0. “By putting the candles on the same drone as the gun and the ammunition, we’re hoping to be able to sell the candles before the drone batteries die. By the end of the year, we should be able to see nearly instant vigils in most parts of the Midwest and South.”

As part of the agreement, both Amazon and Yankee Candle have agreed to create a royalty program allowing gun renters to receive a percentage of any candle sales made in conjunction with rentals.

For their part, the NRA has agreed to continue to sponsor as many mass shootings as possible. After several years of steady growth, 2017 has been a bumper year for the gun rights advocacy group. With roughly 2 months still remaining in the season, they have already broken the previous record for mass shootings in a year, with Christmas still to come.

While no one from the NRA returned our calls for comment on this article, a local NRA member from Loxahatchee offered his thoughts.

“Well, I’m not going to say it’s been the best year for us so far,” Boudreaux Carson said. “It’s been a good year. I just wish a few more of these guys would’ve been named Mohammed. That would’ve been the best of both worlds really."

After being informed of Amazon’s new MS program, Mr. Carson shrugged his shoulders. “I’ve been saying this for years. The only way to stop a bad guy with a drone-mounted rental gun is a good guy with a drone-mounted rental gun."

When asked if he was concerned that he might someday need to order one of Yankee Candle’s new grief packs, Carson replied, “Well, I’m not really too concerned about it. I carry my gun with me everywhere, especially to church. I dated the pastor’s daughter for a couple months. Been bringing a gun ever since. I usually keep a few candles in my glove box too, just in case.”

Even still, Mr. Carson did admit that he would probably sign up for an Amazon’s subscription sometime this week just in case.

“If I don’t use the candles for a vigil, I can always send ‘em to Puerto Rico so they can see at night."


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